Jokes and things

Please feel free to join in, send your funnies to EDDY EDMONDSON with the subject "for the jokes page"



A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

 'You talk?' he asks. 

 'Yep,' the Lab replies. 

 After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says

'So,  what's your story?' 

 The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.

 In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'  

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... 

 But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a  mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.' 

 The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. 

 'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

 'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?' 

 'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard'


Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

'Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. 

Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from  London Heathrow to Toronto . The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.

So sit back, relax  and..... OH, MY GOD !'

Silence followed!

Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. 

'Ladies and gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you . While I  was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!' 

One Irish passenger yelled...       'For goodness sake ........ you should see the back of mine!!!' 



It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.

Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance;  I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. 

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,  "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. .."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, the the chain broke, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. 

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist. 

It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre. Claude was never invited back. 


Psychiatrist vs. Bartender

Ever since I was a child Ive always had a fear of someone under my bed at night, so I went to a psychiatrist and told him: "I've got a problem. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?", I asked.

"Eighty dollars per visit," replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it," I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?", he asked.

"Well, eighty dollars per visit, three times a week, for a year is an awful lot of money -- a total of $12,480! A bartender cured me for the $10 price of a couple of drinks. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new car!"

"Is that so!", with a bit of an attitude he said, "and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed! -- Ain't nobody under there now!"


Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite?
All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking
for some hot action. So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.
After a night of drink and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realized he had made it home safely.
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to Hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.
To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit. 

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."
I have just had my water bill of 100 drop on my mat.  That's a lot. Oxfam can
supply a whole African village for just 2 a month. Time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes..    I think they were Hovis Witnesses.


These first few are not really jokes but I find interesting!


Don't delete this just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read it. 

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg The  phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at  Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the  first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This  is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? 


Q.. If you were to  spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you  would find the letter 'A'? 
A. One Thousand  


111,111,111 x   111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321  


The first couple to  be shown in bed together on prime time TV was  Fred and Wilma Flintstone.  


In the 1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. 
Hence we have 'the rule of thumb'
 Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history: 

Spades - King David  -  Hearts - Charlemagne  -  Clubs -Alexander The Great  -  Diamonds - Julius Caesar  


In Shakespeare's  time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.  When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight' 


It was the accepted  practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the  wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with  all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because  their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the  honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon. 


In English pubs, ale  is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England, when Customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind  your pints and quarts, and settle down.' 
It's where we get  the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'


Many years ago in  England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or  handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill,  they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'  is the phrase inspired by this practice. 


Costume Party -- HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.

Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had. He said: "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have agood time when you're not there."

"Did you dance much ?"

 "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to...."



Paddy and Colleen were making passionate love in Paddy's mini van when suddenly Colleen,  being a bit on the kinky side, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

Paddy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips on hand,  but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the antenna off his van and proceeds to whip Colleen until they both collapse in ecstasy.

About a week later, Colleen notices that the marks left by the whipping are starting to fester a bit so she goes to the doctor.

The doctor takes one look at the wounds and asks, "Did you get these marks having sex?"

Colleen, a little embarrassed that she has slept with Paddy, let alone that she allowed the kinky boy to whip her, eventually admits that yes she did.

Nodding his head knowingly, the doctor exclaims, "I thought so, because in all my years as a doctor you've got the worst case of van aerial disease that I've ever seen".


A beautiful blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the  summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started  canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighbourhood..
 She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had  any odd jobs for her to do.
 'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said, 'How much > will you charge me?'
 Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $100?'   The man agreed  and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the  garage.
 The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, 'Does she  realise that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?'

 He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right.   I guess I'm starting to believe all those  dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately.'
 Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.

'Yes', the blonde replied, 'and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two  coats.'
 Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $100.00 and handed it to  her along with a ten-dollar tip.
 'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.'



An old soul fan out on a long summer ride in the country on his Lambretta pulls up to a pub in the middle of nowhere, parks his scooter and walks inside.

As he passes through the door, he sees a sign hanging over the bar: COLD BEER : 2.00    HAMBURGER : 2.25   CHEESEBURGER : 2.50   CHICKEN SANDWICH : 3.50   HAND JOB : 50.00
Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary payment, the old soulie walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of local farmers.
She glides down behind the bar to him.   "Yes?" she enquires with a wide, knowing smile, "may I help you?"
The soulie leans over the bar, "I was wondering young lady," he whispers, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
She looks into his eyes with that wide smile and purrs, "Why yes, yes, I sure am".
He lean
s closer and into her left ear whispers softly, "Well, wash your hands real good, cause I want a cheeseburger".


A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while.  What happened?  You look terrible."

 "What  do you mean?" said the pirate.  "I feel fine."

 "What about the wooden leg?  You didn't have that before."

 "We were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"OK, but what about that hook?  What happened to your hand?"

 "In another battle I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight.  My hand was cut off and I got fitted with a hook.  I'm fine,

 "What about that eye patch?"

 "Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over.  I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

 "You're kidding. You lost an eye from bird shit?"

 "It was my first day with the hook."


Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference, coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper.

He ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr. Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience, one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"


A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"


A Welshman buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. 
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. 
The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. 
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. 
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. 
The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. 
So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. 
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. 
He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed 
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. 
Try again. he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day bonking the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. 
The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. 
He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. 
No, she says,  they're all in the Land Rover,  and one of them is beeping the horn. 


The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."


Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Shamus   He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary . He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step   As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.   A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. 

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.   He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw ! blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. 

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room 

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'      Paddy said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Mary said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.     'Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?'
'I can cut them for you' said the pharmacist.   'But a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection.'
'I am 96' said the old man.  'I don't want an erection.'   'I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers.'


Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he Accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who died following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2007

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. F***ing hot down here!


A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for  dinner.

This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. 

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof. 
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'. 

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.
 A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip... 

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy!' 
Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it. 

She let a fart rip that rivalled a train whistle blowing.
Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Dammit Skippy, get away from her, before she shits on you!'


A man checks into a hotel in Blackpool , England while on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised
in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs...... well, you get the picture!
He copied the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, give her a call.
'Hello,' the woman says.      
God, she sounded sexy.
'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one.. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all
alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. Tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want! Now, how does that sound?'
She says, 'That sounds fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line '


Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife
'They're on offer, only 10 for 24 cans', he says
'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a 20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.
The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the  price'


A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland . Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.  Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves.  His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.

Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year..

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,


P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.



A Leeds Fan, a Liverpool fan and a Man Utd fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze. All of a sudden the Saudi police
rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they were sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Leeds fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Leeds fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The Manc was next up and after watching the scene, said:" Please fix two pillows on my back."  But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Scouser was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world, your city has some of the best bars, nightclubs and restaurants in Europe, your city and football team is known throughout the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful Highness", The Scouser replies.
"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks.

"Please tie the Manc to my back."


A man walked into the vegetable section of his local Supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.

The boy working  there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.  The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about  the matter.

Walking into  the back room, the boy said to his Manager, 'Some Tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.' 

 As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, 'And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the  other half.'

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the  Manager found the boy and said, 'I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier.  

 We like people who think on their feet. Where are you from son?'   'Originally from Essex sir,' the boy replied.

'Why did you leave Essex ?' the manager asked.   The boy answered, 'Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers  there.'

'Really?' said the manager. 'My wife is from Essex .  'No kidding!'   the boy replied. 'Who does she play for?


A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. 
They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of
chickens and a goose.. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady  who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to  1603 Mockingbird Lane ?'
The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to  that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.'
The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other

'Why thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl  home.

On the way he says 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley.  We'll be there in no time.'
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely  widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt,  and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of   paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly  hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket,  put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.



The parrot is dead.....


At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senior Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

'Ah yes, Ernesto.  What can I do for you?   Is there a problem?'

'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senior Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

'My parrot?  Dead?  The one that won at the Milano International Show last week?'

'Si, Senior, that's the one.'

'Damn!  That's a pity!  I've spent a small fortune on that bird.  What did he die from?'

'From eating rotten meat, Senior Rod.' 

'Rotten meat?  Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

'Nobody, Senior.  He ate the meat from the dead horse.'

'Dead horse?  What dead horse?'

'The thoroughbred, Senior Rod.'

'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

'Si, Senior Rod, he died of heart failure after all that work he did pulling the water cart.'

'Are you insane??  What water cart?'

'The one we had to use to put out the fire, Senior.'

'Good Lord!!   What fire are you talking about, man??'

'The one at your house, Senior!  A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.' 

'What the hell??  Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?? !!'

'Si, Senior Rod.'

'But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

'For the funeral, Senior Rod.'


'Your wife's, Senior Rod.  She came home very late the night before last and I thought  she was a thief, so I hit her with your new customised Callaway Big Bertha 460 golf club ....... '

SILENCE . . . . . . . . . VERY, LONG LONG  SILENCE . . . . . . . . . 

'Ernesto, if you've broken that driver, you're in deep, deep shit!!'


Two builders in a pub 

Two builders in a pub start to speculate about the occupation of a man in a smart suit at the bar.

1st builder "I reckon he's an accountant"

2nd builder "No way, he's a stockbroker"

1st builder "No, a stockbroker wouldn't come in a place like this"

The argument goes on until the volume of beer gets the better of the 1st builder and he goes to the toilet just at the same time as the man in the suit.
Curiosity and the beer gets the better of him and at the urinal he asks the man in the suit:
"'scuse me but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living"

The man replies:

"Well I'm a logical scientist by profession"

"What's that then?" the builder asks

"I'll try to explain" the man says "Do you have a goldfish?"

The builder replies "yes I do as it happens"

"Well" says the man "it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?"

The builder replies "It's in a pond"

The man continues "then it'd reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden"

"Yes I do" replies the builder

"So it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden you have a large house"

The builder says proudly "I have a 5 bedroom house, I built it myself"

"So given that you haven't just built this big house for yourself, you are quite probably married"

"I live with my wife and 4 children" the builder replies

"Well then is it logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?" the man asks

"Yep, 4 nights a week" replies the builder

"Well then it's logical to suggest that you do not masturbate often?" asks the man

"Me?" the builder looks shocked "never!"

The man smiles - "There you are, that's logical science at work!"

"How's that then?" the builder asks looking puzzled

"Well from finding out you had a goldfish, I've told you about the size of garden you have, the size of your house, your family and your sex life" the man explains

"I see" says the builder "that's pretty impressive, thanks mate"

They leave the toilet and the builder goes back to his mate.

The 2nd builder says "I see that flash geezer was in there. Did you ask him what he does?"

"Yep" replies the 1st builder "He's a logical scientist"

"What's that then?" asks the 1st builder

"I'll try to explain" says the first builder "do you have a goldfish?"

"Nope" replies the 2nd builder

"Well then you're a wanker"


Two London businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store.

 As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some thick tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

 No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Yorkshireman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a broad Yorkshire accent asked "What's tha sellin'  ere?"

 One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."

 Without skipping a beat, the Yorkshireman said, "Tha's doing reet well, only two left!"


A bloke  goes into the Job Centre in Swindon and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.

Interested  he goes to learn more. "Can you give me some more  details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

The Job  Centre guy sifts through his files and replies, "Uh -  yes here it is... OK, the job entails you getting patients ready  for the gynaecologist.

You  have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and  wash their nether regions.

Then  apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then  rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the  gynaecologist's examination.

There's  an annual salary of 45,000 but I'm afraid you'll have to go  to Oxford."

"Oh  why, is that where the job's based?" 

"No   that's where the end of the queue is"


A Wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor.  

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the  shrink said, "that's  completely natural.  I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is,"  she complained, "it wakes me up!"


Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, 

"How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" 

She  glanced at him casually and replied,  "You're never there!" 


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. 

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm  getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." 

"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'" 


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Jim. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Peggy. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Peggy to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.  Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show  her age . I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner; I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.  But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.  I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.   That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.  She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard.  I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.  I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Peggy.  I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult.  Some will find it impossible!  Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating
women get as they get older.  However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.



Jim died suddenly on Feb 27 of a perforated rectum.  The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.  His wife Peggy was arrested and charged with murder.  The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jim somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.


A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said:
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."


Penelope, a devote Catholic, had passed away. The priest conducted her eulogy with heartfelt gusto.

"Penelope married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she married yet again and this time had 5 more children. Again, her husband died.
Then alas, she finally died, he intoned.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for Penelope. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her friend. Mary, "Do you think he
means her first, second or third husband?"

Mary replied, "I think he means her legs."


A Woman Knows Her Place

Barbara Walters of Television's 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul , Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walter's vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

 Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

 The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without  hesitation said, "Land Mines."


OK girls, I'll allow you that one!!  .....Eddy


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.  A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.  Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

Man: "Hello."           
Woman: "Honey, it's me.  Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."              
Woman: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.  It's only 1,000.  Is it okay if I buy it?"

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."            Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models.  I saw one that I really liked."

Man: "How much?"          
Woman: "90,000."

Man: "Okay, but for that price, I want it with all the options."        Woman: "Great!  Oh, and one more thing.  The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking 950,000."

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 3900,000.  They will probably take it.  If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.  It's really a pretty good price."               
Woman: "Okay.  I'll see you later!  I love you so much!"

Man: "Bye!  I love you, too."        The man hangs up.  The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He smiles and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"


One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowploughs can get through. "Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today You must park..." Then the power goes out. Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowploughs can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Norman says "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"


Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby.

Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would be grounded
for the rest of the month.

Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."      The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."

He's got a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes."      "Can he see?" asked Little Johnny.

"Yes", the mother replied,  "we are so thankful. The Doctor said he  will  have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be knackered if he needed glasses!"


Not a joke, BUT  it's the ONLY funny thing Christine Oldham has sent me in 5 years!!!!

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said,  ................    "I'm sorry, sir, you'll have to get in line for that too."


One day, leaning on the bar, Jack says to Mike
"My elbow hurts like hell. I suppose I'd better see a Doctor!"

"Listen, don't waste your time down at the surgery," Mike replies. "There's a new diagnostic computer at Tesco Pharmacy. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong, and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and only costs five quid.....a lot quicker and better than a doctor and you get Clubcard points".

So Jack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Tesco.
He deposits five pounds and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.

He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks".

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a
stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and the cat, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurried back
to Tesco, eager to check what would happen. He deposits five pounds, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer printed the following:

1) Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2) Your cat's having kittens. Get a vet
3) Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
4) Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
5) Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
6) And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better........

Thank you for shopping at Tesco


Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak   Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back,   or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,  "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"

I turned around and walked back out and never went back  My husband didn't say a word...he knew better.

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.

I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts. "My sister started to laugh hysterically.The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!

"The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.

 I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.


Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty trainingand I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checkedmy seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.

I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking" Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied.

I just KNEW that he must have had an accident,because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants ,bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled

"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"     While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!


This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will ,in the future, likely think before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!


A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm Celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

she smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"


A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a beautiful blond woman  wave to him and says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her  from. So he says, "Do you Know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids".

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says;

"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made  love to on  the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my  butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's maths teacher."


A Solicitor was conducting a preliminary enquiry with a woman who had come in to see about a divorce-

" So he asked  "What are your grounds?"  She replied "About 4 acres, nice front garden and a lovely pond at the bottom of the back garden"----

No ,he said I mean what's the foundation of your case?----"Oh she said I'm sure it's bricks and mortar"

 "I mean" he continued" what are your relations like?"    "My parents still live off the high street, and my husband's mother's in a home"

He sighed" Do you have a genuine grudge?"  No she replied  " I'm hopeless with cars but I think it's a ford escort"

"Please " he tried again--"Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, my son and daughter have stereos, they both want I pods, but we've said no"

"Madam, does your husband beat you up?"   "Yes, she replied "Saturday's and Sundays he gets up a lot earlier than I do"


Finally in frustration the solicitor asks" Madam, why do you want a divorce?"


"Oh, I don't want a divorce, my husband does. He says he can't communicate with me!!!


A woman came home from work and found this letter from her husband:
My Dearest Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain need that you with your 54-year old body can no longer supply. However, I am
very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact
that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be perturbed, I shall be back home before

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.
My Dearest Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54
years old. At the same time, I would like to inform you that while you are also reading this, I will be at the Ritz Carleton with Michael, my
tennis coach, who, like your secretary, also is 18. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be back until lunchtime tomorrow


During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked  the Director what determined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "it's simple, really.  We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and  a bucket to the patient  and ask
him or her  to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I see,"  said the visitor.  "A normal person would use the bucket, because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No."  said the Director,  "A normal person would pull the plug.  Would you like your bed to be near a window?"


Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very  faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten  over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and  walking home they needed to pee, so they  stopped in the cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take  off her panties and use them. Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. my wife came home with no panties!!" "That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said..... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.


Three Australian guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.  As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife.

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of  Fosters.Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?" "Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,' You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."


I went home with a huge bunch of flowers for the wife the other day.

"OOOh I suppose I'll have to open my legs for you now will I "  she said

'Why don't you put them in a vase like everyone else


An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney.

The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional But" said the Scotsman. "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

Well." said the Englishman "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

"Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drink they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid.

All on the house."       The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's  claims.
He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman "Did this actually happen to you?" 

"Not myself personally no" said the Irishman, "But it did happen to my sister."


"What would you do if a bird shit on your head?---the other replies  I don't know ,what would you do? --Well, i certainly  wouldn't take her out again!!.

How do you turn a duck into a Soul Singer??------Put it in a microwave until it's Bill Withers


Many years ago when lots of white blokes chased after one black guy with clubs ,it was called the Klu-Klux-Klan ---yet now it,s called the P.G.A World Golf Championship!!!!.


When Dan found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with. So one evening he went to a singles bar where he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said as he walked up to her: "but in just a week or two, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars!"
Impressed, the woman went home with him that evening and, three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much smarter than men........ 


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers. The woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" But you're still at fault. . women shouldn't be allowed to drive.

The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police."

Women are evil bitches. ! Don't mess with them.


A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four- hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir, I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"  Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with  them, Sir."
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very  slowly,  "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back".


Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.   Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman:
"I'll  leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a cheque. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my bulldog, he won't bother you but, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen.  But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name-calling.  Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled:
" Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"  To which the parrot replied:
"Get him, Spike!"


The doctor said, "Bill, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. 

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. 

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Bill was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As
he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person.
He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit"
He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Bill laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!", the tailor said. Bill tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly.
As Bill admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Bill thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
The salesman eyed Bill and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."
Bill was surprised, That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years."
Bill tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Bill walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"
Bill thought for a moment and said, "Sure."
The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."
Bill laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."
The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache."
New suit - 400                New shirt - 36                New underwear - 6                Second opinion - Priceless


First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth. Go ahead and do the same thing, he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.
When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them, and told them, The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.

Now learn to pay attention


How to shower like a woman:

Get in shower - use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. 

Wash hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Wash hair again to make sure it is clean. 

Condition hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes. 

Wash face with crushed apricot facial, scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with gingernut and jaffa cake body wash. Shave armpits and legs. 

Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Jif. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small country. 

Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Check entire body for spots, tweeze hairs. 

Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover any exposed areas.

How to Shower like a Man:

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed. Leave in a pile. 

Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake knob ather making woo-hoo sound. 

Look at  manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your knob and scratch your butt.  Get in the shower. Wash your face.Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. 

Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower. 

Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt leaving coarse hairs stuck on the soap. Shampoo hair. Make shampoo mohawk. 

Pee. Rinse off shampoo and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor. 

Admire knob size in mirror again. Leave shower door open, wet mat on floor, light on and fan on. 

Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass your wife, pull off towel, shake knob at her and make woo-hoo noises again. 

Anyone going to dis-agree ?



 Test your eyes        Count every "F" in the following text:




Right then how many have you counted?

3 ?


Try again

There are actually 6

The brain cannot process "OF".   Incredible of what?  

Three is normal, four  is quite rare. 

If you got all 6 you are a genius, give yourself a pat on the back


A young guy from Missouri moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof department store" looking for a job.
The manager says " Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says " Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Missouri."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow, Il come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down, "How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says "one."
The boss says, "just one?!! Our sales people average 20 to 30 sales a day!
How much was the sale for?
The kid says " $101,237.64"
The boss says, "$101,23764? WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SELL?"
Kid says, " First I sold him a small fish hook, then I sold him a medium fish hook, then I sold him a larger fish hook, then I sold him a new fishing rod, then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, " A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT AND A TRUCK??"
The kid says, " No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, "Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.."


A couple were going out for the evening. 

They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. 

They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver: "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "The Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"


The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've
been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him
to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycles, eh?!"
Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented: "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"
God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God. "Hold on."

God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God
read it and smiled.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than

Ladies please complain to Ian seaman not me.....Eddy


A teacher gave her year seven class an assignment: have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories.
Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and we have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over
everything. "And what is the moral to that story?"
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket."
"Very good!" said the teacher.
Then little Lucy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once but when they hatched, we only got ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
"That was a fine example, Lucy. Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."
"Yes, Ma'am. My Daddy told me my Aunty Lorraine was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers.
She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good heavens!" said the horrified teacher. "What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunty Lorraine when she's been drinking."


My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when quite near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.   I opened the door and stepped out of the house.
I walked straight towards my car
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
The moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.


A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring. He replies, "I
have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a Nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a Nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic!"
"OK" the Nun says "Pull into the next alley."
The Nun fulfils his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Jeff and I'm going to a Halloween party."


How To Clean Your Toilet - The Fun Way
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,  The Dog

Click HERE for the result   Click HERE for the Author


t's all true
1) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, thyroid problem?
3) My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
4) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
5) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my stepladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.
6) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
8) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
9) Sex is like a game of bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'
11) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. 13) You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither.

Universal Truths
1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronized with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.
11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.
14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.
15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.
25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.
27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.
31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.
32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with. 

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.


A man goes to his bank manager.
Man: I'd like to borrow EUR200,000 to set up in the cheese making business.
Bank Manager: And where were you going to set up this business?
Man: A little place in Somerset England called Cheddar.
There's a nice gorge there and some caves. It's really lovely.
BM: But what are you going to market your cheese as?
Man: I thought "Cheddar Cheese".
BM: Don't be so stupid. There's already a Cheddar Cheese. It's one of the
most famous cheeses in the world. Go away and have a re-think!!
Two months later...........  Man: I'd like to borrow EUR200,000 to set up in the cheese making business.
BM: Where this time?
Man: A little place in Wales called Caerphilly.
BM: For god's sake man! - there's already a cheese by that name.
Don't bother me again until you've really thought this through!!!
One month later.... Man: I'd like to borrow EUR200,000 to set up in the cheese making business.
BM (Exasperated): Where now??!
Man: Israel!
BM: Israel! now that could work. There isn't much of a cheese industry in Israel. What were you thinking of calling the company?
Man: Cheeses of Nazareth.

That's awful....certainly the cheesiest joke we've had so far  Eddy


Using new technology for fertility, a 75 year old woman gave birth to a baby. When she left hospital, her relatives visited. "may we see the baby?" one asked. "Not yet" she said, Thirty minutes passed and another relative asked: "can we see the baby now?" "No not yet" she replied. Finally they asked "when can we see the baby?" "when it cries" she told them. "Why do we have to wait until it cries?" they asked. The mother replied "i've forgotten where I put it!"


An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his
favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. 

He gathered his  remaining   strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he   slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled  downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame,   gazing into the   kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have
thought himself already in heaven, for here, spread out upon waxed paper
n the kitchen   table were dozens of his favourite cheese scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table,
landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, he
could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth,
seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a
spatula by his wife. . . . . . . . . . .

"Feck off !! " she said, "they're for the funeral !!" 


WOMAN'S DIARY:  Sunday 13th June 2004.

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late so
thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I
suggested we go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed, and didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying. I
just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in; he hesitated, but followed. I asked him again if there was something the
matter but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to bed. I put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply. He just
gave a sigh, and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up, but later he did,  and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed distant
and a bit cold, and I started to think that he was going to leave me, and that he had found someone else.

I cried myself to sleep.


MAN'S DIARY: Sunday 13th June 2004.    England lost to France.  Gutted. Got a shag though.


A guy got into a lift with a rather posh couple, on the way up to the 10th floor he couldn't hold back and dropped a huge fart

Excuse me, said the man Do you mind not farting in front of my wife

Sorry mate he replied,  I didn't realise it was her turn


A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retire and fall asleep quickly. He is in the upper bunk and she is in the lower bunk. At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying: "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own f****g  blanket!"         After a moment of silence, he farted.


Two Scousers are talking and one says that he got burgled over the weekend, "What did they get?" asked his mate.

Well they got my telly, DVD player, video, stereo, microwave and lots of other things, but to add insult to injury, I had just made a big dish of hot pot, and it was on the cooker cooling, and the dirty sod shit in it!

"Ah mate that's terrible" said his mate

I know, I had to throw half of it away!



A chap staying at the Ritz Hotel in London removes a card offering sexual services from a telephone box on Piccadilly. Back at the hotel

he rings the number. A lady with a silky soft voice answers and asks if she can be of assistance.

The gentleman says, "I'd like a blow job, a missionary shag, some doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a boob wank. Is that OK"?

 The lady says: "It sounds intriguing sir, but you might like to press 9 first to get an outside line."


A middle aged woman spends $5000 for a face lift and feels pretty good about herself. Out on a shopping trip, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 32," was the reply.                  "No - I'm 47, " the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The assistant replies, "I guess maybe... about 29?"                    The woman replies, "Nope, I'm exactly 47."

Now, feeling really great, she stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk the same question.

The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say... 30."                   Again she proudly responds, "I am 47, but thank you."

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man the same question.

He replies, "Lady, I'm sorry, I'm 78 and my eyesight ain't so good. Although..., when I was young, there was a sure fire way to tell how old a lady was. It may sound a little forward, but it requires me put my hands under your bra. I could then tell you exactly how old you are."

They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the better of her. She finally blurts out, "Oh what the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and inside her bra and begins to feel around very slowly, very carefully. He Lifts one breast then the other and holds each and touches and caresses each breast...After a couple of minutes, she said, "Okay,
okay,... that's enough, how old am I ?" He completes one last squeeze and removes his hands, "Madam, you are exactly 47 years old."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible,... how do you know that?"

He replied,  "I was behind you in the line at Mc Donald's."

Blame Pete Meadows for that!


  An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it  was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had
 a long conversation regarding how their marriage  might work.      They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old  gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical   relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
 Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like  it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking
over his glasses, looked her in the eye casually and asked, . . . "Was that one or two words?"


Jake was dying.
 His wife, Joanie, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.  She held  his fragile hand, tears running down her face.  Her praying roused him from
 his slumber. He looked up and his  pale lips began  to move slightly.
 "My darling Joanie," he whispered.
 "Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh... don't talk."  -"I have something I  must confess to you."
 "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Joanie. Everything's all  right, just go to sleep."
 "No, no. I must die in peace, Joanie. I...I cheated on you!"
 "I know," Joanie whispered as she softly stroked his forehead.  Shhhh...  just let the poison do it's work....."


 A man was walking down the street, when he was accosted by a particularly  dirty and shabby-looking homeless man, who asked him for a couple of
dollars  for dinner. The man took out his wallet,  extracted two dollars and asked,
 "If I gave you this money, will you buy beer with it instead?"
 "No, stopped drinking years ago", the homeless man said.
  "Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
 "No, I don't gamble", the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get  just to stay alive".
 "Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?"
 the man asked.
 "Are you BLOODY NUTS?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in  20 years!"
  "Will you spend the money to watch a porn movie?"
 "Are you kidding I gave sex up years ago, it means nothing now".
  "Well", said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. I'm going to  take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife".
 The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for  doing that?  I'm very dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad". The man
  "That's okay, mate! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's  given up beer, gambling, golf and sex


A clean one for a change!...from Barry Fowden

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "It is three o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not. It is three in the morning and it is pouring out!" says the husband.

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those
two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man agrees, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replied the drunk.


Subject: Don't Fart In Bed!!!!!!!!
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.  The noise would wake his wife and
the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.  Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it
was making her sick.  He told her he couldn't stop it and it was perfectly natural.  She told him to see a doctor, she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them off! Then, one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked in the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts, and a malicious thought came to her.  She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his
underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.  Sometime later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting.
This was followed by a blood-curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.  The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!  After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.  About
twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood-stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.  He said, "Honey, you were right.  All these years you have warned me and Ididn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" asked the wife.

"Well you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.  But, by the grace of God, some
Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."


Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day  she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he  would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and the odour of the baked  beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk,  she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew  it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. 

All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure  she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then  blindfolded  her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just  as  he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone  rang.

He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was  out  of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a  fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she  shifted  to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of  cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone  farewells signalled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and  she assured him that
she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish  her  a "Happy Birthday"!!!


A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.  

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African-Americans in a predominantly white, patriarchal society. "In fact", he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression expression by gay men in contemporary society." 

After the curator left, a Scottish man approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. 

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied. "In fact, there's no African-American depicted at all. They're just three Scottish coal-miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.


A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the assistant for some bum  deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to the woman that they don't sell bum deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, the blonde  assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store on a regular basis, and would like some more.  

"I'm sorry," says the pharmacist, "we don't have any."                  "But I always get it here," says the blonde.  

"Do you have the container it comes in?"                                    "Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it."  

She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant"  

The annoyed blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container, ........"To apply, push up bottom" 


Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.  

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.

 WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees and lower back. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. 

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. 

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcahol may Mack you tink you can tipe real gode



Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."    (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the spot and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.   (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."     (Bournemouth Evening Echo)


An escaped convict, imprisoned for murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly he got up and left the room.

As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen woman in years. I saw him kissing your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it! 

Be strong and I love you.

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says, 

"Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. 

Be strong and I love you too.


Two builders (Chris and James) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit...

Chris: - I reckon he's an accountant.

James: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Chris: - He ain't no stockbroker ! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Chris and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal.

Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder...

Chris: - Scuse me.... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offence taken ! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession!

Chris: - Oh ! What's that then ?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example ... Do you have a goldfish at home?

Chris: - Er . mmm ... well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?

Chris: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden then?

Chris: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Chris: - As it happens I've got a five bedroom house... built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite
probably married?

Chris: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Chris: - Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very

Chris: - Me? Never

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Chris: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life !

Chris: - I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Chris returns to his mate.

James: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Chris: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

James: - What's that then?

Chris: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

James: - Nope

Chris: - Well, you're a wanker then.


A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."



You lot might enjoy this, it's an original script from Rainbow, (Remember it??) and possibly the funniest one ever:

The sketch opens with Zippy peeling a banana...

Zippy: " One skin, two skin, three skin, four "     George: " Zippy, where is Bungle?"

Zippy: " I think Geoffrey is trying to get him up"

We see a view of the door and hear Bungle moaning from behind it.    Bungle: " Geoffrey, I can't get it in"

Geoffrey: "You managed it last night"    Bungle: "I know, lets try it round the other way.Ooooooh, I've got it in"

Bungle and Geoffrey enter the studio with Bungle carrying a hammer and peg kit.

Bungle: " Would you stick this on the shelf, George"    George: " I can't reach, you'll have to stick it up yourself,Bungle."   Geoffrey ( to camera ) " Hello everyone, today we are talking about playing"

Bungle: " Playing with each other,Geoffrey?"    Geoffrey:" Yes Bungle, do you have a special friend that you like to play with?"    George:" Yesterday we played with each other's balls. Are we going to play with our friend's balls today?    Bungle: " Yes, and we can play with our twangers as well."    Geoffrey (to camera) Have you seen Bungles twanger?    Zippy:" Oh I have, I showed him how to pluck with it."    Bungle: " It's my plucking instrument."

Geoffrey asks the audience if they can pluck like Bungle.     Zippy:" I can, I'm the best plucker here."

George;" And I'm good at banging. My peg's hard isn't it Zippy?

Zippy:" Well of course it is, Your peg wouldn't go in if it was soft."    Geoffrey;" Let's get back to Bungle's twanger."    Bungle ( excited ) " Oooooh Geoffrey, we could all play with our twangers couldn't we? Let's play the plucking song.    Singers Rod, Jane and Freddy enter.    Freddie:" We could hear you all banging away"    Rod: " Banging can be fun ."    Jane:" Ooooh yes, and I was banging away all last night with Rod and Freddie."

Freddie (looking sad) " Yes, but it broke my plucking instrument."    Rod (to Jane) " Do you want to blow on my pipe while I'm twanging away?"    Jane: " Oh no, I was banging away with Freddie last night. But would you like to play with my maracas?    Zippy;" No, let's just pluck away with our twangers."    George:" Yes, it doesn't matter what size our twanger is."    Zippy;" I've got a big red one."    George:" I've only got a tiny twanger. But it works well and I like to play with it."    Geoffrey ( to viewers )" Well, have you got your twangers out? And remember, you can bang your balls at the same time. If you haven't got any, ask a friend if you can play with his. Now, let's all play the plucking song."    " Pluck, pluck, pluck along, we're going to pluck all day."   Geoffrey ( waving )" It's time to go. But don't forget to get your twangers out and play with your balls. Excellent!!!!




A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company.

One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!" Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and watch what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet...and just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says, "Where's that darn monkey? I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."



Dinner Conversation:

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?

HUSBAND: Definitely not!

WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?

HUSBAND: Of course I do.

WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?

HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.

WIFE: You would?

HUSBAND: ( groan)

WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?

HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?

WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?

HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?

HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.

WIFE: - - - silence - - -


Thanks Carole, the others are too rude!!


According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those  of us who were kids in the 50's, 60's, 70's and early 80's probably  shouldn't have survived, because............

Our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or  latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip  flops and fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts  or air bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a  bottle and it tasted the same.

We ate lard sandwiches, bread and butter pudding  and drank fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because  we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps  and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all day and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones,
no personal computers, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends. we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do the same thing again.

We had fights, punched each other hard and got black  and blue, we learned to get over it.

We walked to friend's homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school, we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate  live stuff, and although we were told it would happen, we did not have  very many eyes out,
nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all..............................................And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Thanks to Steve Lane for that